


what kind of man

by Verbyna



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Addiction, Anxiety Disorder, Character Study, Closeted Character, Family, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Press and Tabloids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 08:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4557126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verbyna/pseuds/Verbyna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack’s seventeen, and it’s gonna take all of him to get into the NHL. He can’t go around giving pieces away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what kind of man

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jedusaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedusaur/gifts).



> thanks to sage and allie for the read-through, & to julia for the prompt, beta, and the amazing things she said in the gdoc comments.
> 
> title from florrie - _what kind of man loves like this?_

“If you give them something once, they’ll ask for it again. You have to be really sure, okay, Jack? You can’t let them down. They’ll expect it.”

Jack nods at his dad, then looks at the journalists camped outside the gate. Their security room is right off the kitchen, and the panic room is under their feet. He shifts in the chair.

“Okay. I think I get it. Can I stay at the rink today? I don’t--”

His dad’s face softens and he reaches out to ruffle Jack’s hair. Jack ducks, waits for his dad’s nod, and walks in the general direction of the backyard.

The journalists aren’t there for him, but he would’ve gone outside with his parents if his dad hadn’t let him off the hook, and it would’ve been awkward for everyone. They’re already around for Jack’s games. He doesn’t want that hope to turn into disappointment just yet, and how could he measure up to their expectations? He’s only thirteen.

 

*

 

He spends his summers skating at their rink. His mom brings him nutritionist-approved meals, gives him a couple of hugs when she catches him unaware, but none of his teammates call, and he’s grateful for that, at least.

 

*

 

He’s surprised to realize that Parson likes him. It’s a heady feeling - Jack’s popular by default, but Parson is popular for all the right reasons, and he’s under no obligation to make nice with Jack.

Jack avoids him for the first six weeks, but then one day he realizes that having a friend on the team gives him an excuse to keep everyone else at a distance off the ice. He explains this to his mom, who frowns and tells him to bring it up in therapy.

Jack doesn’t. It’s working.

 

*

 

Kent kisses him, and Jack turns his head so Kent will bite his neck instead. There’s a spot there that makes him see stars, but he’s not sure why Kent makes that keening sound against Jack’s skin. Maybe he really likes the way Jack’s breath stutters. He can probably feel Jack’s heartbeat from there. 

This is also part of the play: it’s not like they can go any further. It’s not like they can talk about it with anyone. It’s not like either of them can bring up feelings, not if they want to get into the NHL.

Jack’s seventeen, and it’s gonna take all of him to get into the NHL. He can’t go around giving pieces away. It’s hard enough holding it together.

 

*

 

“Just this once, can I see your face?”

“Is that a complaint, Kenny?” He even makes himself smile. It’s not the hardest thing he’s done this week. There was an interview with a teen magazine that he’d really prefer not to remember.

Kent stares at him for an uncomfortably long moment, then smiles back. “Not complaining.”

Jack knows what a lie looks like. He’s glad Kent gets it.

 

*

 

Kent doesn’t get it.

“If I come out now, it’s too late not to draft me. Maybe I won’t go in the first round, but fuck it, they have to take me.”

“But you wouldn’t go first,” Jack says blankly. He can’t believe they’re having this conversation.

“I wouldn’t go first in the draft anyway, Boy Wonder,” Kent says sarcastically. Before Jack can argue, Kent shrugs and says, “I can be first here, you know?”

Jack doesn’t know. Besides, “You’re not even gay. Why would you come out when you can date girls?”

“When I can - Zimms, I’m not gonna date girls. I’m not gonna date anyone else. We’ve been - whatever, it’s been two years, man. I’m not asking you to come out with me, but I want to rock this fucking boat.”

“You can date whoever you want,” Jack says.

Kent doesn’t punch him, but he looks like he’s been punched instead, and that’s not much better. It’s the truth, though. Jack can’t start giving him what he wants, because then he’d never stop, and if it got out, they’d never look at how he plays again.

Playing is the only thing he’s good at. He shouldn’t have fallen for Kent, but that doesn’t mean he can’t manage the situation. He’d only hurt Kent more if it looked like he was in when his foot is already out the door.

 

*

 

“You’re not a toxic person, Jack,” his therapist says. “You can let people get close to you.”

His therapist is a nice guy. Jack likes him. He’s really sorry when he has to look for a new one, but this one ups his meds right away, so pretty soon he stops minding.

 

*

 

“I just don’t get it,” Kent says. “Why can’t you admit you give a shit?”

Jack used to cry in the shower after conversations like that, but now he can’t. He stands under the spray and pretends it’s tears, it’s catharsis, but he’s inadequate and he doesn’t know how to stop hurting people and there’s nowhere to hide because outside is exposed and he can’t take being surrounded by walls anymore.

There’s a scream building in his throat, but he swallows it down. He wouldn’t be able to handle the questions.

 

*

 

“I love you,” Kent says, and “I know you don’t, it’s okay.”

The draft is tomorrow. He kisses Kent until dawn. He waits for Kent to leave the room in the morning before he takes his pills.

He doesn’t have to face the press or Kent that day, after all. His mother doesn’t try to hug him at the hospital, and he’s so grateful for it that he finally cries, but only after he’s alone for the night.

 

*

 

He does better with the kids he’s coaching. He does better with Shitty and the guys at Samwell.

The next time he sees Kent, it’s at the party on Kent’s day with the Cup. They don’t talk much, but it feels good to know that Jack didn’t hold him back from this, at least.

 

*

 

The second time he falls in love, he tries to hold back for two years before he caves in. All it takes is realizing that Bitty would never ask.

It’s okay if Jack makes the first move. It’s a choice, then, and he means it: if Bitty will have him, if Bitty keeps not asking for more unless Jack offers, there’s nothing to run from.

If there’s nothing to run from, Jack can stay. Jack can give him what he’s comfortable with, and all those years of therapy must have paid off, because it turns out it’s a lot.

 

*

 

“Does he love you?” Kent asks Bitty when he’s in town for a game. Jack isn’t meant to hear this, but he can’t walk away. It’s like a nightmare. It’s like several nightmares all rolled into one.

“He does,” Bitty says, and Jack breathes out raggedly.

“Does he ever say it?”

“He doesn’t have to,” Bitty says, and Jack slides down the wall. He doesn’t know why he’s smiling when he feels like he’s been hollowed out. “When I say it, he looks me in the eye, and I can tell he’s happy.”


End file.
